"Don't Waste Your Life"

This is the phrase of late and you can be assured no matter how much time you have when those last moments come passing it will likely not have been enough.

So I tell you make the most of every moment, as I stare into the mirror and that personal reflection delves deeply into my soul wondering have I really kept my own advice ?

Who knows huh...

Well anyway HAPPY MONDAY at 4:42am, almost done with work and gonna go hit the showers and then off to sleep, well off to bible reading then sleep. :)

Tonight I went "out" not that this is anything new though, I went to a bar. I have put decades between me and bars, though tonight I went with my X of all people. She calls me X for my name and because I was her first X. Oddly enough this is a woman who gave me the "list to marrage". To be a marrage minded man I need to do all the things on the list.

About a year and a half ago I had all of them down. I have a nice place, a nice ride, two unlimited cells, a great job and extra cash to spare. So I recall calling her up to tell her and she is like "Damn It X" I am dating. (rofl) Since then Jo-EL has become one of my closer friends, and since we are not online together I rarely see her till now. So it was a blessing she called.

She called to get me to go with her to her local poker games. They have clubs, like bowling where everyone comes and plays poker. So I went tonight as the NOOBIE, first timer. They showed me how to play and I played. In the end for about 5 hours.

Of the 100 or so people playing in the end I was in 5th and got a chance at the closing table. I took 3rd on three tables and 5th on another and then late in the evening I slow played the table and took first, well for time reason I chose to split first with another player, though he had 400 in his stack and I had about 18 thousand, so he bowed out to me. Man I felt really alive and it was not because of the net.

So I ended up going out 5th all together out of about 100 people and won a seat at their tournament. So I am stoked..

I was there and I had a garlic stick and a carrot of all things, and drank water. I was not about to do the "bar food" route or drink again.

I really had a lot of fun. Jo-EL is talking about doing this weekly and then showing me Karoake.

While things at home are rather stressful with computer sites and not making enough money, it is nice that I can have a break for the moment.

I really saw tonight that there is a life beyond the screen and even though it was in a bar, it was still good. A lot of nice people and great persona's to thrive off of and learn from.

Thanks for reading...

When you are overweight, you tend to want to procrastinate. You may go so many days on your eating plan and then slip up. More than often that slip up becomes days, and then it may become weeks and before you know it. You are looking at life from "Day 1" again with yet another eating plan, and another set of new hopes and dreams, thus putting yourself at yet another set of Crossroads.

I have lived this insanity for decades now, because of it my life has never seemed to move forward in life and faith and with women. I open my eyes to the image of the 32 year old man staring back at me through the mirrors edge. He has this look of longing and loss, time has clear ridden on his soul and while still searching, some things have been found and implemented. So at least there is a foundation and I am no longer on Day 1.

I am no longer "newly saved", as it is not that I do not have the tools to overcome or even the drive, it is just that the "choice" remains. The choice to step forward consecutivly every single day. If not every single moment in every single day one step at a time, to overcome.

I am DONE being DONE, this implies I am through being stagnent and awaiting my next fall. I know now how badly I want my sobriety from this life. I want it so badly I can taste it and the taste is far more savory than anything that has ever been in my mouth before.

I am past Day 1, my crossroads are over and the path is layed down, all that is left is to step forward, one moment at a time.

Day 50...

- Xavier

For as long as I can remember I have been saying I am at a "Crossroads" with life. I imagine that has been with my walk with Christ more than anything; though my walk with my obesity has run a close second. Everything that I do focuses on those two things and not to sinfully say I focus more on the obesity aspect, though at times I imagine I am guilty of that.

Think about that sinning against God in hate. Most of us sin in the flesh or in the tempted will but seriously I am sinning in hate, the all consuming hate that comes from how I think about myself on a daily basis. How I cut myself down before others can cut me. How I am always so quick to think the worst of myself. I hate me, and I hate what my personality has become encompassed with this hate itself. At times I am note sure what I dislike more the fat or that amount of loathing that reeks off of my persona because of my lacking spirit. I can feel the real person that I am stuck way down deep inside. (tearing up) I have no idea how to change these feelings of loathing. In the past I would turn to food as a friend and that friendship has blossomed into me being one of the biggest men in the state at almost 600 pounds.

I so feel like an ordinary man fighting this overwhelming foe. In the past with the food I could just escape myself and sit on the fence and wait out the problem. Now since I know better I realize even though I have no clue. I have to do something the days are growing shorter and my fear is NOT GOING TO BE THE END OF ME.

I may not have this life down, and I certainly do not have a handle on God's will for me, not that what I have a handle on even matters on the grand scale though all I know is what I know (disgruntal 12yr old look) I AM NO LONGER GONE BE SITTING ON THAT FENCE. I have chosen a path and now I have to walk it, a crossroads NO MORE.

I was just coming home from the doctors and we stopped for some fish at a local restaurant. The whole afternoon was going good. Then as we were coming up the drive, which is dirt and soft sand we ( my friend Suzi and I ) were both talking and did not see the big rock (BIG TURTLE) until we were on top of it and the whole car went up in the air. We broke him in half and oddly enough I am on the verge of tears. I have gone hunting before and even helped animals back from death though this guy is the size of a cocker spaniel and his house has been obliterated. Ever just feel helpless ?

- Xavier

Results 1 - 10 of about 955 for sodredge. (0.21 seconds)

I have finally reached "web whore" status

I woke up this morning and recieved my morning phone call from Red at Body Jones. He was already to give me my morning workout program. Today will be a day for walking it would seem. I talked to Red for a few moments then abruptly as always he had to go, taking over for Casio seems to be filling all of Red's day.

I got off my futon and wrapped it up and then went to the bathroom to make myself presentable. What seemed like moments later I appeared all spiffy and ready for the day. I got a call from my main man Rhino. He seemed quite in shock that I was indeed awake and already coherent. He offered to take me to my blood test today which takes a great weight of my shoulders. Of course he had to add the part about no procrastination and how I had better have bells on in my wait for his appearance. (grimmace)

So at the moment I am sitting here fixing one of my web sites and awaiting the arrival of the Rhino. I am drinking breakfast as usual in the form of this lovely green shake. I had thought about making some chicken though I am feeling rather at east so a shake works today.

I have been taking the shakes along with working out and walking and have been feeling a lot better because of it. Oddly enough I am still the largest person I know though watching those around me at fast food places only leaves me smirking as if I know something they do not.

I just got done watching a commercial for CiCi's Pizza, where in the commercial it states "let your kids have 14 flavors of soda if they so choose" I mean my God think about that one can of coke will do a number on you and we wonder as a people why our children are so spastic. Large quantities of cheap food and beverage and boom. I am a product of that so I can speak from fact on this.

Hmm...

Got to go I want to get in the word a bit, I got this audio bible thing that really helps. For some odd reason hearing it from another person I remember it better. Well hope your day is well, who or whenever anyone reads this.

- X

Happy post sabbath everyone. Looking at the date on here it has been a while since I last posted my thoughts right around the time they put me on that worlds tallest list. In that time a lot has happened in my life.

I came clean about the way I was coveting my medicine. (dwelling on medical needs over God) I was in tears when I came out and talked about it. There was a weight lifted, which is of course was a good thing.

I tucked my procrastinating tail between my big legs and started my business Giant Fixes. I figure I have been fixing computers and making site for a long time might as well get paid for it now.

I have even have started taking to going to the gym with Red. I was going alone though I hooked my man Red up with Casio and as it turns out Casio outright hired Red to be this maddening personal trainer. Of course one would think I was grandfathered in at some point. This seems to encourage and drive Red crazy all at the same time.

I took some photo of a post workout jaunt also here is a shot and also here is one of me trying to look butch.



















All in all things are looking up as always Praise God.

I feel like a 12yr old at camp for the first night. I am sure if anyone reads this that knows me they will be laughing their arses off at this little bit of self refection, so be it. I am 30 years old and this is the first night I have ever slept alone in my "own" place. Granted I have a roomate though not a family member and this is not some school I have retreated to. This entire day has been so God. I got to reflect this morning for a few moments over a cup of coffie and the want ads. Then stole a few more moments to thank him for all of this, the day the situations the what not.

Now here I sit with a purpose, I need to get a job. I need to become what I have always feared and that is a "fruitful" member of society, and oddly enough there is no fear here. As my roomate left he gave me this look, as if he was leaving a puppy. Everyone tells me there is a lion within, now all I have to do is unleash it.

I have a tv infront of me and a ps2 and some games, though none of that seems to matter. I am going to get online and drop some apps and possibly tomorrow while I wait patiently next to the cell phone, get on the bus go across town and wade in the ocean for no apparent reason other than I want too. Gosh this is so cool. Life in this moment and every other is truly what you make it.

I am so Charlie and the world is made of chocolate.

- X

You will always here someone of faith tell you that God's time may not be our time especially if they are referring to something you are wanting, or wanting to happen in your life. Oddly enough that is affecting me at the moment. A few weeks ago the van (my ride) broke down and that put me in the cross hair's of my boss at work. My landlord informed me that keeping my job was priority to staying in the apartment, then poof the next morning my job was gone.

Now I took this as God not wanting me to be at that kind of job, though as of today that may not be the case. I was thinking about this on the ride home. I spent most of the day at the job center looking for work or a grant , for that matter any funding to survive or find schooling with. I was just about to walk out when I saw a guard I knew and talked to her. She led me to the back where another guard had just walked in to look for officers for a new post. That man (the owner) took one look at me and it was like me getting trapped in a Best Buy overnight, he was almost drooling. I thought to myself this is so "God". Indeed I am sure it was God though one has to wonder what kind of plan this is. Obviously all in Gods time and obviously not in this mans'. The owner offered me work this very night. Infact he offered more hours than I have ever had before. The pay is about the same as my last job and I am familiar with the area. About the only hurdle now is stable transportation.

Again the wise person "adds" ~If it be in God's plan you shall have it~ My thought then as a simpleton would be to come back with "What's not in God's plan ?" then the crowd is silent, though not in awe of my wisdom, more an of uncertainty for who can answer anything after that.

We all want to take the positive in our lives and call it God's plan though when the negative hits us hard core so many of us look up at the heavens and go "Why me God". Now I thought about that , then I looked at all of my decisions during this walk. God has offered me many a life line throughout this journey and I have tossed them aside with the whole "that could not happen to me atitude". I am now looking at being without a home or a vehicle and unsure of medicine and what to do, though oddly enough there is no blaming anyone but myself. Not a pity party at all, not even a cry for help. I mean this is more of an absolution. This point in my life if it be that is making me more of who I want to become. I am finding an inner strength I did not realize was there.

For example and I am sure everyone in the world will laugh at this though I went to the city today and ended up taking the bus from one side to the other. I have never done that before, I have driven there walked around though never put my faith in public transportation and just stepped forth. Granted this is something small though it makes you think. All these small steps can lead a person to bigger ones. All this in and through time and in the end ultimately it makes you think that God's time may indeed be your time afterall ?