For as long as I can remember I have been saying I am at a "Crossroads" with life. I imagine that has been with my walk with Christ more than anything; though my walk with my obesity has run a close second. Everything that I do focuses on those two things and not to sinfully say I focus more on the obesity aspect, though at times I imagine I am guilty of that.
Think about that sinning against God in hate. Most of us sin in the flesh or in the tempted will but seriously I am sinning in hate, the all consuming hate that comes from how I think about myself on a daily basis. How I cut myself down before others can cut me. How I am always so quick to think the worst of myself. I hate me, and I hate what my personality has become encompassed with this hate itself. At times I am note sure what I dislike more the fat or that amount of loathing that reeks off of my persona because of my lacking spirit. I can feel the real person that I am stuck way down deep inside. (tearing up) I have no idea how to change these feelings of loathing. In the past I would turn to food as a friend and that friendship has blossomed into me being one of the biggest men in the state at almost 600 pounds.
I so feel like an ordinary man fighting this overwhelming foe. In the past with the food I could just escape myself and sit on the fence and wait out the problem. Now since I know better I realize even though I have no clue. I have to do something the days are growing shorter and my fear is NOT GOING TO BE THE END OF ME.
I may not have this life down, and I certainly do not have a handle on God's will for me, not that what I have a handle on even matters on the grand scale though all I know is what I know (disgruntal 12yr old look) I AM NO LONGER GONE BE SITTING ON THAT FENCE. I have chosen a path and now I have to walk it, a crossroads NO MORE.
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Thank you for putting it out there! That was very brave. Much more brave than I would ever be able to be. You're an inspiration.
p.s. I found you on sparkpeople
Sodredge, you so need to learn to love yourself. 1 of the reasons we so consistently sabotage ourselves is this awful self hate. I know where you're coming from. I got to my weight and my addiction to smokes as a very conscious way of killing myself that I hoped my kids wouldn't hate for. God created you for a purpose, to be the best you can be. That is our job, to make the most of our gifts, to cherish them in gratitude and be grateful for them. That means being grateful for all of who you are. Sometimes we go astray and abuse ourselves out of pain and self hatred but remember, what you are, inside and out, is what you are intended to be. Let's just together try to be that. And friend, Iside you are one of his very best creations, there's something really,really special there. Why do you think so many respond to your painful honesty. You are being given a chance here and you touch many lives. You are an awsomely beautiful person.